Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The 5 types of people who play the Wi

Yes you read that right. There are five types of people who play the Nintendo Wii. You’re probably wondering if you’re on the list aren’t you? Well, the chances of us putting your name specifically down are rather slim. But if you play the Wii then you will no doubt fit into one of the categories. So which category do you fit into?


That’s right. Kids love a bit of the Wii. Not only does it have a silly name, but it gives them the opportunity to wave the Wiimote around like a deranged lunatic. The Wii is great for kids. It gives them numerous Ninty delights from Mario to Sonic and Mario, and all the mini game compilations under the rainbow. They can even play Manhunt 2 on it now.

Kids are not as bothered about First Person Shooters or online gaming. And they are too busy playing Carnival Funfair games to care about Little Big Planet. Nintendo rule the kids.

Games they are likely to play – Wii Sports, Mario Galaxy, Carnival Funfair Games, Super Smash Bros Brawl, Carnival Funfair Games, Rayman: Raving Rabbids, Manhunt 2.

The Old

Conversely, just as kids love the Wii just because it has a silly name and they can wave the remote around like a deranged lunatic, so does elderly peeps. Although, they don’t do it so quick, they don’t want to be playing up their Arthritis now.

But if you’re stupid enough to think that they are going to go buy and play the likes of Mario Galaxy, Zelda or Metroid Prime then you’re dumb enough to work for Sony’s marketing team. Nintendo know that if you show some elderly pecker some a bit of Wii sports, they they’ll be mimicking a Wimbledon Tennis OAP final in a matter of no time. And then have some strawberries and cream to celebrate. Not too much cream though, all that cream wouldn’t be too good for them.

That’s right, if they see a kid or a relative playing the Wii, then they’ll take over for an hour or two. Or maybe they’ll just steal it. Failing that, then they’ll just use their pension money to buy their own one. Nintendo are smart enough to know that by releasing something like Wii fit, oldies will lap it up. Messing about on that Wii fit bored is almost as good exercise as walking down the post office 4 hours before it opens to get their pension before anyone else.

Yes, to the elderly Wii fit is the answer to all their problems. Don’t expect them to buy much software though.

Games they are likely to play – Wii Sports, Wii Fit.

Non Gamers

Usually sheep who see the Wii as the new ‘in’ thing. It’s the new iPod, and its gaining more and more popularity. It’s a bit like a zombie film, where the outbreak begins with one or two people and then cascades into a horde of undead. Undead who are not unlike some of the sheep who like to pretend they are cool because they’ve ‘got a Wii’. They don’t even play the fucking thing except for when a friend comes round - and only then it's to show it off.

You see it works like this. A friend shows someone the Nintendo Wii, and they play a bit of Wii Sports and think ‘wow this is like really cool’ and go out and buy their own Nintendo Wii. But they don’t really play it, not until they have a friend come over, and then they show it off to that friend... Who thinks ‘wow this is like really cool’ and so they go out and buy a Wii, and show it to another one of their friends. And so on and so on until the Human race is ultimately doomed.

This also includes all the fatties that really do think Wii fit will help make them slim, when in reality they should be eating less burgers and getting some fresh air and exercise. Yes there are some fatties, sorry, ‘obese’ people who play videogames, but they are usually playing World of Warcraft. And everyone knows that World of Warcraft isn’t a real game.

Games they are likely to play – Wii Sports, Wii fit, some other game they happened to get free. So something a bit shit normally.

Nintendo Fanboys

These are often the bunch that really fuck you off. They can often be caught sprouting off shit like the graphics don’t matter, or that online gaming is just a phase. They will try and tell you how the Wii is the best because it offers you a new way to play games. Deep inside they may be just as bored and stopped playing it two months after getting it like everyone else. But they won’t admit it. They may also have an Xbox 360 hidden away so no-one knows.

They are happy that there is only a new AAA game every 100 years, as it gives them more time to play the last AAA game they bought.... (and no doubt stopped playing after a week or so). They also do not mind that the Wii is just a rebranded GameCube and are gullible enough to buy the same Nintendo games over and over again because Ninty are the best and everything else should be ashamed for not being made by Nintendo.

They probably brought a GameCube, in fact they probably brought two GameCube’s just to help out.

Games they are likely to play – 90% of all the games released on the Wii. May also own multiple copies of some games - especially Mario Galaxy.


You can’t escape without a whiff of pirates nowadays. And the Wii is not safe either, it’s highly pirated as is the Xbox 360. The PS3 isn’t though. Because no-one cares about the PS3. Not only can pirates download and play Wii games, but they can also download and play GameCube games and even all of the Virtual Console games for free as well.

There is a slight chance that Nintendo fanboys are also pirating Nintendo games. Although it’s pretty moot, as they end up buying a couple of the games they download as a way of saying sorry, and supporting Nintendo’s dominance. At least their fans are loyal, 360 fanboys couldn’t give a shit.

Games they are likely to play - Anything they can get their piratey mitts on.

So there you have it. If you’re not there, read it again and you’ll no doubt be able to place yourself somewhere. But if you can’t, that could be because you stopped playing the Wii a week after getting it once the novelty wore off and went back to your Xbox 360 instead. See you online laters.

Article By: Wesley Lock

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